A Geek’s Suicide Tale

There once lived a geek who earned his living writing programs.
And write programs did He.. Dusk ’til dawn, Dawn ’til dusk, Ad infinitum.

And Yet somehow, after all was said and done and He hit ‘compile’,
The GCC, the ICC and all the compilers alike, refused to comply.
Write better code the next time around, They all spat unequivocally.

Undaunted and relentless that He was, He went on to write device drivers.
The great kernels came and went. The 2.2 to 2.4 through 2.6.
But surprisingly and quite expectedly, they just couldn’t stop the perpetual seg-faults.
Yet, There just was no stopping ‘Him‘; Irregardless of how much they all implored.

Then there came a time, When Lobotomy was just not enough to save His God-forsaken computers.
He then chose to retire.
But having absolutely zero career skills beyond the programming realm,
(Not that I am implying He had any in computer science, per se)
He concurred He might as well die.

And so with memories of His first programs still fresh, and teary eyed, and heartbroken,
He wrote:

printf("Goodbye Cruel World!!\n");
exit(EXIT_FAILURE);

And much to His agony, this program wouldn’t compile either.
Not even out of sympathy.

All the caveats notwithstanding, He proceeded to program in C++.
Perhaps it’d help him succeed in his objective of self-destruction.
C++ was objective, He’d heard; Or something like that.
He so wrote:

class I;

public I::~I() {
    try {
        delete *this;
    }
}

As excited as He was, for being called a star (*), He equally was disappointed and displeased at being referred to as ‘this‘.
He deserved to die honorably, after all.

And so He sought the gentler VB.Net. Needless to say, He’d heard it was safe too.
He was much happy He could now refer himself as ‘Me‘.
And just as He was rejoicing, He realized He cannot kill himself, but rather wait your turn ’till the garbage man comes and collects you.
*OUCH* !!
He obviously didn’t much appreciate the idea of being treated like trash.
He hit a similar dead end as He went on ahead to try his luck in Java and C#.

And so after everything, He remembered the good ol’ unix shell.
It was the first to treat him rude, alright; With the ‘Invalid command‘, ‘Permission Denied‘, ‘Illegal Operation‘ and the responses alike.
But hey, He then had no idea His destiny was filled with insults as these.
And as he was all set to type the historical (well, atleast for Him)

$ killall self

He surmised it’d be all the more dramatic if He just broke the cursor after He’s done typing his death verdict.
He might be a geek, but He knew His movies.
And so He did. But then He realized He hadn’t typed it all right. Only now, with no cursor to his aid, He had trouble editing his sentence.

And as He stood there, shell-shocked at the futility of His efforts; A thought crossed His mind.
A geek that He was, He never did live His life. And that explains His inability to die.

Enlightened as He was now, He smashed his laptop to smitherins and set out to lead a peaceful life.
Or so to say, He lived happily ever after.
Not to eternity, though.
Soon, the local newspapers read –

If only He had His laptop to google.

(Image Courtesy: SMBC Comics)

Niranjan Nagaraju

I am Vini – Vini The Pooh aka Niranjan. I am a little “sheep in the big city”. A self-proclaimed atheist, freelance writer and cartoonist; The latter two are an avocation as yet, but I believe they really are my medium. Oh, and I code for a living. :)

5 Comments:

  1. Awesome post man…loved it.

  2. Hey. Really nice post. I liked it. Nice break from my drudgery. 🙂

  3. very nice 🙂

  4. This is the ultimate blog 🙂

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